If anyone of you have been following my blog, you know I've been really been shepherding one of the woman at the daycare I'm at named Ora. I've been building into her and just have great conversations with her. She gotten back into church weekly and trying to focus her life on Christ right now.
She went to school to be a dental hygienist (and really struggled to get that done with the time and money it cost), but no one would hire her because she doesn't have experience. After a year of trying, she gave up and started working at Stepping Stone making next to nothing. She's been living with her boyfriend of 4 years and even with his income things have been tight for Ora and her two daughters.
Last week she told me she wanted to renew her licence and start looking for a job again. We talked about that for awhile. Then at the end of the week we somehow got on the subject of her living with her boyfriend again. We were talking about her renewed dedication to the Lord and I asked her if she would be willing to move out and live apart from her boyfriend to honor God even more. She said she couldn't afford it and that she knew it was wrong, but that she needed to get things in order first and then maybe next year she'd move out. I told her I was happy she was thinking about it and making plans for getting her life in order according to God's heart. Then we moved on and started talking about other things and I didn't think anymore of it.
Yesterday I go into her room and she tells me that after church on Sunday, the Lord is just talking and talking to her about her life and when she got home she asked her boyfriend if she could talk to him because he needed to move out. WOW! She said that he was upset and felt like she wanted to break up and she said, "No, you are looking at this from the world's perspective, but it's not like that. We aren't moving backwards, we would be moving forward." I was so proud of her. I told her I was just in shock because just a week ago she said she couldn't afford it. She said, she was going to look for a better job and just "had faith" that God would help her with her bills. She said he would help her get a good job that would pay her enough and that she wasn't worried about it anymore. This was a radical change in her heart from just the week before. I wanted to cry I was so happy for her. I can see her reaching out to God and taking these huge steps to change her life story.
Please, please, please pray for Ora. She needs someone who will take a chance on her and hire her. If you know a dentist, especially a believer, please call them and share Ora's story with them. I promise you, she's a hard worker and very professional. She has a really sweet heart and she just needs a break. Please pray for God to bring her a job. Please pray that he will bless her willingness to trust him and believe in his goodness. She's really a sweet woman. I so want to see the faithfulness of God in her life.
Thanks so much for praying and if you do find someone who is willing to talk to her, send me a message!
Wednesday, November 4, 2009
Monday, October 26, 2009
The Most Frustrated Lover
e⋅piph⋅a⋅ny
–noun, plural -nies.
1. (initial capital letter) a Christian festival, observed on January 6, commemorating the manifestation of Christ to the gentiles in the persons of the Magi; Twelfth-day.
2. an appearance or manifestation, esp. of a deity.
3. a sudden, intuitive perception of or insight into the reality or essential meaning of something, usually initiated by some simple, homely, or commonplace occurrence or experience.
4. a literary work or section of a work presenting, usually symbolically, such a moment of revelation and insight.
I'm not the smartest person in the world, but I think I really had a TRUE epiphany over the weekend. Let me start at the beginning.....
I had this incredibly powerful experience with the Holy Spirit 3 & 1/2 years ago where He opened my eyes & heart, and had His way with me. It's taken me years to even begin to try to understand what happened to me that morning in Reynosa, Mexico. It was the most perfect, beautiful, passionate, overwhelming, and powerful experience I've ever had. Nothing has ever been as clear to me as that. I feel like God pulled back the veil and showed me his heart for me. I felt it. It was so incredible I thought I could literally die right there. No drink, or food, joy, or sex has ever come close to this experience. This satisfaction. I had never been touched like that to the depths of my soul. Out of that experience, I received several new spiritual gifts and a new found focus on prayer in my life. The church couldn't help me figure out what happened to me when I would talk to them about it. I'm pretty sure they must have thought I went a little nuts. After years of praying about it I've come to believe I was baptized in His Holy Spirit. I was given a down payment in that moment!
When I got back home I became obsessed with more of this love I encountered and sought hard after Christ. The Holy Spirit had awaken some part within me, this fire and passion that I didn't even know was there. He was revealing who Jesus Christ really was and I opened my spirit (and deep wounds) to this God of all wonders. The Lord started showing me more and more of who he was, and continued to touch me again and again.
I became utterly consumed with Jesus. No matter what has gone on in my life these last 3 1/2 years, I can't stop wanting His touch or love. It's like this drug that has this grip on my mind, body, and soul.
He has continued to fan this flame of desire to the point where I started to wonder if I was normal. If the way I felt about Jesus was possibly blasphemous because I took him to the deepest parts of who I am. Yes, Jesus became this All Consuming Fire within me. There wasn't a desire or need that He wasn't somehow wrapped up in. I spent many months in the Song of Solomon book and when I would read these passages, I felt so uplifted and couldn't help but see Christ as Solomon's part and me as His beloved. I kept all these things as hidden as I could because I didn't want to freak anyone out. I think I was still confused if I was even "supposed" to love Jesus this way.
I mean, we read Matthew 22:37, but who decides what that looks like? If we really are free to love God like that, wouldn't it include the most intimate parts of who we are? If I love God with all my heart, my soul, my mind, my hopes, my dreams, my fears, my passions, my disappointments, my everything, how would he NOT be my Lover, too? And what does that look and feel like if we really take it to heart and live our lives that way? To want nothing more in this world than Jesus. To be completely captivated by this amazing God and Man of all men? He has utterly liberated me from feeling fear, guilt, or the need for religious duty, to receive the love He wants to pour out on me. I screw up all the time, I have a bad attitude over stuff, I have an ugly heart at times, etc. etc., but that doesn't change how Christ feels about me. He loves me even in my messy humanity! He never lets my heart get too far from that truth, so that's where I live - in His heart and in His passion for me. He sees me holy and blameless. Spotless and beautiful. Even when I fail, His love for me never changes. It can't change. He is a God crazy in love with me, and His mercy is new everyday.
After a couple of years of wrestling internally with my emotions, I finally just accepted this truth; Jesus Christ IS my LOVER! There, I said it, OUT LOUD for the first time ever! Jesus IS the Lover of my entire soul and that it's not something I have to feel guilty over. It's not perverted or unholy. It's a natural progression of this on-going relationship I've been in with Christ.
He's been wooing me for years, you see, and this is where He's led me - this amazing divine romance. He makes me weak in the knees, and I experience this intense heat that washes over my entire body when His Spirit comes to me. Sometimes I'll just pray His name over and over and it makes my heart bleed love and passion from within. It's the most amazing thing I've ever encountered in my life. I love it and I love how it just continues to grow.
It's been an ebb and flow, but a constant flow of His love and revelation in my heart. Some of these "flows" are easier to live through than others. Let me explain.
It's beautiful, but it's also sometimes very painful. The more I fall in love with Jesus and the more our love affair grows, the greater my hunger is for Him. To hold Him, to hear His voice, to see His eyes, to lay in His arms. I want it all. I want my Lover here with me, not just in His Holy Spirit, but to hold His hands and feel Him holding me. I wrote and wrote and cried from the depths of my heart to God with this longing and desire. I augured with God and told Him I understood why Jesus left, but that I was jealous of all the people who lived when Jesus did because they got to see His face. Some of them got to feel His touch. I wanted that (and still want that!) I got it from a theological stand point, but my heart wanted it's Lover. It felt like getting married to someone and then never being able to see them in person until you die. This fire just burns and burns and I sometimes wonder if I am just going to burn alive from within.
When my longing for Jesus is in full-on pursuit, it at times, makes me wonder if I could possibly lose my mind in search of Him. To ask God to make Him your everything, your one and deepest desire and then to realize you have to wait possibly decades for Him in the flesh, can feel crushing to me. I have spent hours sobbing at His feet just pouring out my love to Him, unable to speak a word. Sometimes it's so intense that I feel physical pain within my body because the longing is so deep. I felt the desire to pray for MORE of God and more of His heart, but I wasn't sure I would be able to endure it without literally going mad. I was a little spiritually "stuck". Wanting more of God, but not sure I could continue to function normally with MORE without Jesus right here beside me in the flesh. Not even sure if anyone would ever understand what I was feeling. Was I going crazy? I already felt like I was going to explode from the inside, but I did want more of Him. I always want more of Christ! What a paradox I was in.
I went to pastors and the wisest spiritual people I knew seeking guidance, and they always told me this was how it was gonna be until I see Jesus face to face. This was apart of living here in this fallen world, but to hang on as best I could. There are tons of passages telling us to hang on, to push forward, remember we only see things through our human eyes. I know these people love me, but that answer never eased my terrible pain and longing for Jesus. I wanted to dance with my Lover.
I had moments of serious anger over it. I didn't know how to STOP wanting Him. How to stop seeking His face. Stop the hunger and the desire. Jesus had become the air I breathe. How would I live the next 40-50 years like this. I got to a point here recently where I asked God to either deliver me from this intense passion for Christ or take me to be with Him. I know that sounds terribly selfish, but you just can't imagine how my heart longs for Him. More and more and more. What does someone do with that? This has been my struggle for years now. My painful, quiet, and sometimes very dark struggle.
A little house church I have been going to has been reading, "From Eternity to Here" by Frank Viola. This was the part of the book that made me stop in my tracks;
The Frustration of God's Love
I believe that your Lord experiences the same kind of frustration with respect to the woman of His dreams, His beloved bride. To say the Lord experiences frustration in no way dilutes His power or violates His sovereignty. The Lord is in complete control of the future, and He will eventually get what He is after. But in the moment, He can feel frustration. Here's an example of how the Lord tasted anguish of suppressed love while He was on earth:
Luke 13:34
34"O Jerusalem, Jerusalem, you who kill the prophets and stone those sent to you, how often I have longed to gather your children together, as a hen gathers her chicks under her wings, but you were not willing!
Note the words "I have longed to...but you were not willing." Such is the divine frustration. That being said, I believe that the Lord Jesus Christ is often the most frustrated lover in the universe."
We all know what Christ came - to find a wife worthy of God himself. He had to die so that she could be born and purified. He had to die to make her clean and spotless. We are that wife. We are His beloved. He is our Bridegroom. I thought about the way I long for the Bridegroom and how He must also long for His beloved bride. The bride has always been hidden in Christ and I am now hidden in the bride. Then all the things I've felt over the last 3 years came into focus and I realized that I feel but a small taste of what He feels for His Church. How holy and beautiful she is to Him. He doesn't see all the flaws we do. He doens't get stuck behind the "red tape" and politics. The things that drive me mad about the "orgnization of church". He's just a God in love with His beloved bride-to-be. He thinks of her day and night. His passion can't be contained for Her. He never stops looking at her. He weeps and wails for her, too. He groans in passion for her. He won't be sidetracked from His desire for Her. She is His EVERYTHING! To know that I am apart of His longing, His everything; wow, that just moves my heart.
Then I thought of this passage, But rejoice that you participate in the sufferings of Christ, so that you may be overjoyed when his glory is revealed. 1 Peter 4:13 and I had such clear insight. When I have sat with that passage in the past, I have always thought of the death of Christ, but....what if it's NOT just about His death for me?
A light bulb went off and it totally changed how I view this longing for Christ. He's longing, too! Maybe I can rejoice in my suffering! He understand and feels (even stronger!) what I feel. We are both longing for our lovers. I also felt the Lord tell me the next time I feel overwhelmed with longing for Jesus to pray for His bride. Pray for her as a way to pour out these feelings. They won't just be there without purpose. This passion and longing can be used to not only bless His Church, but to bless His heart as well. We can share in our longing and in our frustration as lovers. Out of our common longing and desire, we can fall even deeper in love together.
Once I wrapped my brain around that, I for the first time, saw how my passion and longing for God can be my biggest blessing in this life. I can grow even closer to God in my longings and desires for more of Him as where before it almost felt like a cruel joke on my heart. I don't just have to wander around anymore in circles crying out for God to have mercy on my lovesick heart. I can sit and share with Him some of the emotions He Himself feels for His bride.
I feel peaceful & excited in a way I can't describe. I feel like I understand more what's been going on in my life the last 3 1/3 years. Like this is part of why I am here. I feel the greatness within my heart of how He's leading me to pray for His Church. It's not "just prayer". Jesus is coming back and He's asking me to pray for the preparation of His eternal BRIDE. Wow, that feels enormous! It's no small task and everything over the last 4 years has been building up to this point - my mission trips, the birth of my prayer life, the revelations, the clarity of seeing Jesus ever where, etc. All of it. Maybe I am to interceed for His beloved bride?
As it all clicked together in my mind, I could see a little more clearly. I know where more of the puzzle pieces of who I am belong. He didn't woo me to fill me with His love and passion and leave me to suffer for 50 years. He had a purpose for it - to show me a part of His own heart for His beloved. To show me His obsession. His desire. His longing, His heart, and His deepest passion. Now I can channel my same emotions for Christ into God's will for His bride. When I'm longing and crying out for God to come to me again, I'll know to pray for Him and for His heart for each of us. For the coming of our Bridegroom and the glorious wedding He's preparing for her.
Yes, I still very much want my Lover here with me, but at least now I feel like it's possible for me to endure/want to fall more in love with Jesus.
Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. -Ephesians 5:25-27
All my love to you, Lover
kw
–noun, plural -nies.
1. (initial capital letter) a Christian festival, observed on January 6, commemorating the manifestation of Christ to the gentiles in the persons of the Magi; Twelfth-day.
2. an appearance or manifestation, esp. of a deity.
3. a sudden, intuitive perception of or insight into the reality or essential meaning of something, usually initiated by some simple, homely, or commonplace occurrence or experience.
4. a literary work or section of a work presenting, usually symbolically, such a moment of revelation and insight.
I'm not the smartest person in the world, but I think I really had a TRUE epiphany over the weekend. Let me start at the beginning.....
I had this incredibly powerful experience with the Holy Spirit 3 & 1/2 years ago where He opened my eyes & heart, and had His way with me. It's taken me years to even begin to try to understand what happened to me that morning in Reynosa, Mexico. It was the most perfect, beautiful, passionate, overwhelming, and powerful experience I've ever had. Nothing has ever been as clear to me as that. I feel like God pulled back the veil and showed me his heart for me. I felt it. It was so incredible I thought I could literally die right there. No drink, or food, joy, or sex has ever come close to this experience. This satisfaction. I had never been touched like that to the depths of my soul. Out of that experience, I received several new spiritual gifts and a new found focus on prayer in my life. The church couldn't help me figure out what happened to me when I would talk to them about it. I'm pretty sure they must have thought I went a little nuts. After years of praying about it I've come to believe I was baptized in His Holy Spirit. I was given a down payment in that moment!
When I got back home I became obsessed with more of this love I encountered and sought hard after Christ. The Holy Spirit had awaken some part within me, this fire and passion that I didn't even know was there. He was revealing who Jesus Christ really was and I opened my spirit (and deep wounds) to this God of all wonders. The Lord started showing me more and more of who he was, and continued to touch me again and again.
I became utterly consumed with Jesus. No matter what has gone on in my life these last 3 1/2 years, I can't stop wanting His touch or love. It's like this drug that has this grip on my mind, body, and soul.
He has continued to fan this flame of desire to the point where I started to wonder if I was normal. If the way I felt about Jesus was possibly blasphemous because I took him to the deepest parts of who I am. Yes, Jesus became this All Consuming Fire within me. There wasn't a desire or need that He wasn't somehow wrapped up in. I spent many months in the Song of Solomon book and when I would read these passages, I felt so uplifted and couldn't help but see Christ as Solomon's part and me as His beloved. I kept all these things as hidden as I could because I didn't want to freak anyone out. I think I was still confused if I was even "supposed" to love Jesus this way.
I mean, we read Matthew 22:37, but who decides what that looks like? If we really are free to love God like that, wouldn't it include the most intimate parts of who we are? If I love God with all my heart, my soul, my mind, my hopes, my dreams, my fears, my passions, my disappointments, my everything, how would he NOT be my Lover, too? And what does that look and feel like if we really take it to heart and live our lives that way? To want nothing more in this world than Jesus. To be completely captivated by this amazing God and Man of all men? He has utterly liberated me from feeling fear, guilt, or the need for religious duty, to receive the love He wants to pour out on me. I screw up all the time, I have a bad attitude over stuff, I have an ugly heart at times, etc. etc., but that doesn't change how Christ feels about me. He loves me even in my messy humanity! He never lets my heart get too far from that truth, so that's where I live - in His heart and in His passion for me. He sees me holy and blameless. Spotless and beautiful. Even when I fail, His love for me never changes. It can't change. He is a God crazy in love with me, and His mercy is new everyday.
After a couple of years of wrestling internally with my emotions, I finally just accepted this truth; Jesus Christ IS my LOVER! There, I said it, OUT LOUD for the first time ever! Jesus IS the Lover of my entire soul and that it's not something I have to feel guilty over. It's not perverted or unholy. It's a natural progression of this on-going relationship I've been in with Christ.
He's been wooing me for years, you see, and this is where He's led me - this amazing divine romance. He makes me weak in the knees, and I experience this intense heat that washes over my entire body when His Spirit comes to me. Sometimes I'll just pray His name over and over and it makes my heart bleed love and passion from within. It's the most amazing thing I've ever encountered in my life. I love it and I love how it just continues to grow.
It's been an ebb and flow, but a constant flow of His love and revelation in my heart. Some of these "flows" are easier to live through than others. Let me explain.
It's beautiful, but it's also sometimes very painful. The more I fall in love with Jesus and the more our love affair grows, the greater my hunger is for Him. To hold Him, to hear His voice, to see His eyes, to lay in His arms. I want it all. I want my Lover here with me, not just in His Holy Spirit, but to hold His hands and feel Him holding me. I wrote and wrote and cried from the depths of my heart to God with this longing and desire. I augured with God and told Him I understood why Jesus left, but that I was jealous of all the people who lived when Jesus did because they got to see His face. Some of them got to feel His touch. I wanted that (and still want that!) I got it from a theological stand point, but my heart wanted it's Lover. It felt like getting married to someone and then never being able to see them in person until you die. This fire just burns and burns and I sometimes wonder if I am just going to burn alive from within.
When my longing for Jesus is in full-on pursuit, it at times, makes me wonder if I could possibly lose my mind in search of Him. To ask God to make Him your everything, your one and deepest desire and then to realize you have to wait possibly decades for Him in the flesh, can feel crushing to me. I have spent hours sobbing at His feet just pouring out my love to Him, unable to speak a word. Sometimes it's so intense that I feel physical pain within my body because the longing is so deep. I felt the desire to pray for MORE of God and more of His heart, but I wasn't sure I would be able to endure it without literally going mad. I was a little spiritually "stuck". Wanting more of God, but not sure I could continue to function normally with MORE without Jesus right here beside me in the flesh. Not even sure if anyone would ever understand what I was feeling. Was I going crazy? I already felt like I was going to explode from the inside, but I did want more of Him. I always want more of Christ! What a paradox I was in.
I went to pastors and the wisest spiritual people I knew seeking guidance, and they always told me this was how it was gonna be until I see Jesus face to face. This was apart of living here in this fallen world, but to hang on as best I could. There are tons of passages telling us to hang on, to push forward, remember we only see things through our human eyes. I know these people love me, but that answer never eased my terrible pain and longing for Jesus. I wanted to dance with my Lover.
I had moments of serious anger over it. I didn't know how to STOP wanting Him. How to stop seeking His face. Stop the hunger and the desire. Jesus had become the air I breathe. How would I live the next 40-50 years like this. I got to a point here recently where I asked God to either deliver me from this intense passion for Christ or take me to be with Him. I know that sounds terribly selfish, but you just can't imagine how my heart longs for Him. More and more and more. What does someone do with that? This has been my struggle for years now. My painful, quiet, and sometimes very dark struggle.
A little house church I have been going to has been reading, "From Eternity to Here" by Frank Viola. This was the part of the book that made me stop in my tracks;
The Frustration of God's Love
I believe that your Lord experiences the same kind of frustration with respect to the woman of His dreams, His beloved bride. To say the Lord experiences frustration in no way dilutes His power or violates His sovereignty. The Lord is in complete control of the future, and He will eventually get what He is after. But in the moment, He can feel frustration. Here's an example of how the Lord tasted anguish of suppressed love while He was on earth:
Luke 13:34
34"O Jerusalem, Jerusalem, you who kill the prophets and stone those sent to you, how often I have longed to gather your children together, as a hen gathers her chicks under her wings, but you were not willing!
Note the words "I have longed to...but you were not willing." Such is the divine frustration. That being said, I believe that the Lord Jesus Christ is often the most frustrated lover in the universe."
We all know what Christ came - to find a wife worthy of God himself. He had to die so that she could be born and purified. He had to die to make her clean and spotless. We are that wife. We are His beloved. He is our Bridegroom. I thought about the way I long for the Bridegroom and how He must also long for His beloved bride. The bride has always been hidden in Christ and I am now hidden in the bride. Then all the things I've felt over the last 3 years came into focus and I realized that I feel but a small taste of what He feels for His Church. How holy and beautiful she is to Him. He doesn't see all the flaws we do. He doens't get stuck behind the "red tape" and politics. The things that drive me mad about the "orgnization of church". He's just a God in love with His beloved bride-to-be. He thinks of her day and night. His passion can't be contained for Her. He never stops looking at her. He weeps and wails for her, too. He groans in passion for her. He won't be sidetracked from His desire for Her. She is His EVERYTHING! To know that I am apart of His longing, His everything; wow, that just moves my heart.
Then I thought of this passage, But rejoice that you participate in the sufferings of Christ, so that you may be overjoyed when his glory is revealed. 1 Peter 4:13 and I had such clear insight. When I have sat with that passage in the past, I have always thought of the death of Christ, but....what if it's NOT just about His death for me?
A light bulb went off and it totally changed how I view this longing for Christ. He's longing, too! Maybe I can rejoice in my suffering! He understand and feels (even stronger!) what I feel. We are both longing for our lovers. I also felt the Lord tell me the next time I feel overwhelmed with longing for Jesus to pray for His bride. Pray for her as a way to pour out these feelings. They won't just be there without purpose. This passion and longing can be used to not only bless His Church, but to bless His heart as well. We can share in our longing and in our frustration as lovers. Out of our common longing and desire, we can fall even deeper in love together.
Once I wrapped my brain around that, I for the first time, saw how my passion and longing for God can be my biggest blessing in this life. I can grow even closer to God in my longings and desires for more of Him as where before it almost felt like a cruel joke on my heart. I don't just have to wander around anymore in circles crying out for God to have mercy on my lovesick heart. I can sit and share with Him some of the emotions He Himself feels for His bride.
I feel peaceful & excited in a way I can't describe. I feel like I understand more what's been going on in my life the last 3 1/3 years. Like this is part of why I am here. I feel the greatness within my heart of how He's leading me to pray for His Church. It's not "just prayer". Jesus is coming back and He's asking me to pray for the preparation of His eternal BRIDE. Wow, that feels enormous! It's no small task and everything over the last 4 years has been building up to this point - my mission trips, the birth of my prayer life, the revelations, the clarity of seeing Jesus ever where, etc. All of it. Maybe I am to interceed for His beloved bride?
As it all clicked together in my mind, I could see a little more clearly. I know where more of the puzzle pieces of who I am belong. He didn't woo me to fill me with His love and passion and leave me to suffer for 50 years. He had a purpose for it - to show me a part of His own heart for His beloved. To show me His obsession. His desire. His longing, His heart, and His deepest passion. Now I can channel my same emotions for Christ into God's will for His bride. When I'm longing and crying out for God to come to me again, I'll know to pray for Him and for His heart for each of us. For the coming of our Bridegroom and the glorious wedding He's preparing for her.
Yes, I still very much want my Lover here with me, but at least now I feel like it's possible for me to endure/want to fall more in love with Jesus.
Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. -Ephesians 5:25-27
All my love to you, Lover
kw
Wednesday, October 7, 2009
Prince Charming
Once upon a time there was a little girl who dreamed of her Prince Charming, who would love her all the days of her life.
He'd be as strong as Superman and as fast as Spider-man. He would be very brave and devoted to her. He'd be able to read minds and know how to make her feel better in an instant. His eyes would widen every time he looked at her, and his heart would rejoice over her forever. He would be the most beautiful man she's ever seen. Maybe he would ride in on a horse and awaken her with his kiss? He would be very patient and kind with her. He might be like William Wallace in Braveheart, willing to do whatever for her honor. He would romance her in ways that have yet to be told by the world. He would come alive again just by the mention of her name. He'd love her with an unfailing and faithful love. He'd also love others. He'd truly make the world a better place. Kindness and gentleness would pour from his heart every place he went.
As she grew older, she looked for him every chance she had out in the world. Once she thought she found him when she was a young teenage girl, but he wasn't the one. This became a pattern for her; always searching for his love, but never finding it. Heartbreak after heartbreak left her broken and jaded. Maybe he really didn't exist after all. She finally quit looking for her Prince Charming and just decided to be happy with all that she had - which was a lot all things considered.
Then one day she heard a voice and she knew it was him in an instant. In a split second she met THE ONE her heart had always dreamed of. He was real, only even better than she had dreamed. She had been looking for him all this time in the world, but he didn't come from the world. He was the King of all kings from a place far, far away. A place He told her she was headed, with a room all her own. He told her He'd been working on it for years and years and that it was beautiful.
This King swept her off her feet. He is very kind and beautiful. His heart is pure love. He came and rescued her from death. He pulled her out of the sadness and woke her sleeping heart. She realized that she was born to love this Man. He is her true happiness. The One her heart had always longed for.
There are no words to fully describe Him. He's bigger than any superhero or fairy tail Prince Charming. He knows us better than we will ever know ourselves. His love can't be compared to anything else. It's healing, it's wondrous, it's divine. His love changes the world wherever He goes. He died just so I may live. He brings hope and peace to anyone who speaks his name. He is a mighty warrior, fighting for one heart after another. No one gives as much as He does. He stood in the face of darkness and spoke with authority. He goes running after the brokenhearted. No one too lost for Him to serve. Freedom is on His mind, peace in His eyes, and love in His heart.
He's is perfection. He is my beloved Jesus, and He and I will live happily ever after....and for all eternity!
The End
He'd be as strong as Superman and as fast as Spider-man. He would be very brave and devoted to her. He'd be able to read minds and know how to make her feel better in an instant. His eyes would widen every time he looked at her, and his heart would rejoice over her forever. He would be the most beautiful man she's ever seen. Maybe he would ride in on a horse and awaken her with his kiss? He would be very patient and kind with her. He might be like William Wallace in Braveheart, willing to do whatever for her honor. He would romance her in ways that have yet to be told by the world. He would come alive again just by the mention of her name. He'd love her with an unfailing and faithful love. He'd also love others. He'd truly make the world a better place. Kindness and gentleness would pour from his heart every place he went.
As she grew older, she looked for him every chance she had out in the world. Once she thought she found him when she was a young teenage girl, but he wasn't the one. This became a pattern for her; always searching for his love, but never finding it. Heartbreak after heartbreak left her broken and jaded. Maybe he really didn't exist after all. She finally quit looking for her Prince Charming and just decided to be happy with all that she had - which was a lot all things considered.
Then one day she heard a voice and she knew it was him in an instant. In a split second she met THE ONE her heart had always dreamed of. He was real, only even better than she had dreamed. She had been looking for him all this time in the world, but he didn't come from the world. He was the King of all kings from a place far, far away. A place He told her she was headed, with a room all her own. He told her He'd been working on it for years and years and that it was beautiful.
This King swept her off her feet. He is very kind and beautiful. His heart is pure love. He came and rescued her from death. He pulled her out of the sadness and woke her sleeping heart. She realized that she was born to love this Man. He is her true happiness. The One her heart had always longed for.
There are no words to fully describe Him. He's bigger than any superhero or fairy tail Prince Charming. He knows us better than we will ever know ourselves. His love can't be compared to anything else. It's healing, it's wondrous, it's divine. His love changes the world wherever He goes. He died just so I may live. He brings hope and peace to anyone who speaks his name. He is a mighty warrior, fighting for one heart after another. No one gives as much as He does. He stood in the face of darkness and spoke with authority. He goes running after the brokenhearted. No one too lost for Him to serve. Freedom is on His mind, peace in His eyes, and love in His heart.
He's is perfection. He is my beloved Jesus, and He and I will live happily ever after....and for all eternity!
The End
Sunday, October 4, 2009
Our Secret Place
You've beckoned me into our secret place. My safety, my comfort, my joy, my peace. Here is where I feel most alive. You and me. We're alone here with the angels singing around us.
Today we're sitting on our beach. The sun is bright and warm, but not too hot. You are on my left and I can feel the sand - so soft between my toes. I can't see your face because we're looking out into the ocean, studying it.
You're sitting beside me and you're holding my hand. There is a slight breeze moving to the right of us and I can smell your beautiful presence all around me. My heart flutters and my stomach tightens by the waves of love I now feel rolling over within my spirit. Wave after wave of your love pulling me under, going deeper and deeper into you. I feel dizzy and euphoric as I drink in even more of your Spirit. Yes, you are still very much alive because my own heart continues to testify to this truth.
As we look out into the ocean as far as our eyes can see, I feel overwhelmed. The depth of it feels so small compared to the wonder of who you are, and yet here you sit beside me. Your beauty completely unparalleled. This beach is as black as my own heart compared to your glorious face. We collect sea shells around us. Beautiful shells; each one different and unique, and made from your own two hands. All beautiful in your eyes.
Waves come up to kiss the beach and then quickly retreat back. Birds flying in the air dancing to the rhythm of the wind. I hear you whisper you love me and my spirit breaks within. I can't breath. Soft, quiet, and love-filled tears fall from my eyes. I'm dizzy again and feel you smile wide. Your love is deeper than any ocean we could ever see. Beyond all things, your love is captivating. Your blessed, perfect, strong, redeeming, faithful, and unfailing love.
The gift of your love never stops amazing me. It never grows cold or stops flowing. You and I will be together forever. You have blessed me with your passion and your favor. It's for you alone that I truly live.
Thank you for saving me, Oh God. Thank you for taking me into our secret place, Lover of my soul. Thank you for pouring out your love on me and showing me how to love others, precious Holy Spirit.
All that I am for you, God. All of my love and adoration I place at your holy throne. May you be eternally blessed today, my beloved. I can't wait to see where you will take me next.
kw
Wednesday, September 30, 2009
Satan or Insanity?
I went to work today feeling very tired. I forgot to grab a cup of coffee before I left this morning and I was sluggish. Who knew how skipping coffee at home would chance the course of my day...
I did my first half of my shift and then headed over to Ora's class at 8:30. When I was walking over there, I told one of the girls I was tired because I didn't get my cup of Joe and she told me they had coffee in the kitchen so I decided to grab some. I went in and didn't see cups anywhere. I had never been in there, so I looked in all the cabinets until I found a cup to use.
I went into Ora's class and saw a Bible. I asked Ora what that was for and she told me that yesterday she saw the assistant director and she was crying. She said her husband just left her and Ora really ministered to her and was telling her about Jesus. Then she said she told the girl about what happened with herself and me a few weeks back (click here, "Ora" and full details!) and that she could/should talk to me, too.
My heart just leaped in my chest. I've been praying for Ora, bringing her gas cards (thanks to some of YOU!), I even wrote her name down on a card over Advance weekend. She's been going to church faithfully and even went to a prayer meeting Monday night with some people from her church. Now to see her reaching out to minister to another co-worker just filled me with so much joy. I told her, "Do you realize that you are telling her the exact same things I was telling you just about 5 weeks ago?". She smiled and said yes. Then I told her how we needed to be praying for her and that God would then have her turn around and minister to others as well. It was beautiful. Then the woman (Assistant Director) came into the room to get the Bible Ora told her she was going to bring. I told her the Bible and God's love really helped me during some dark seasons of my own life. She opened up to me and I just tried to encourage her and remind her that God is big enough even in our deepest pains and fears.
Soon after that she left and another woman from next door came in to ask us something and saw the coffee cup in my hand. She asked me, "Where did you get that cup?" and I told her the break room. She said, "You better not let the cook see you with that. If she sees you have that, she is gonna flip out on you!" I laughed and said, "What? That's silly!" The cook has been there for like 18 years and everyone is totally scared of her. No one says nice things about this lady and everyone stays away from her. I never thought much about it. She delivers snack to the classroom at 9:00 am everyday and I knew she was close to coming, so I decided I would dump my coffee, clean her cup, and give it to her when she came to drop off the snack.
So she came in and I went and grabbed the cup and handed it to her. She looked at me and said, "Where did you get this?" and I told her the break room. Her eyes got huge and she started really getting upset and telling me I had no right to take her stuff and that I had no business going on the kitchen (those are HER "rules" not the daycares, by the way!). I told her, "I wasn't trying to steal your coffee mug. I didn't know it was yours. I just borrowed it because I forgot my coffee today and I am now returning it." She just got more and more angry. I didn't understand how or why she was so angry. She said, "I'm going to go talk to the director right NOW!" and I said, "Ok, go ahead" (I was getting angry now myself and thought she was being totally over board). The she said, "You come with me!" and I said, "Fine, let's go" and went to walk out, but one of the teachers reminded me that we had too many kids to leave Ora in there without me. So I looked at the cook and said, "Sorry, I can't leave Ora here alone with all these kids" (state law). She shut the door and stormed off.
Then 30 seconds later she comes back in and has this crazy look in her eyes. She starts telling me I'm going to understand what I've done, etc. and I just calmly told her, "It's not the time or the place to have this discussion. This isn't professional and there are children here" and I walked away from her. That then set her off even more. I walked into the little kitchen area where we wash the kid's cups and stuff and she followed me in there, yelling at me walking right beside me. I turned to the right and she was there, I turned to the left and she was there. She was hovering over me everywhere I turned. I left that area and then went back into the room with the kids. It didn't matter where I went, she was on top of me basically. I started picking up toys and she was still yelling at me. I hear the Lord repeating the word "grace" in my heart over and over. That somehow kept me calm enough to keep myself in check. I continued to tell her this wasn't appropriate and she needed to think about the children. Then she got right in my face and pushed her body against mine and told me to look at her and was pointing to her badge. I was so angry, but I wouldn't give in. I could feel her face so close to mine; it was just inches away. All this hate just being thrown at me. I'm not gonna lie, I was pretty freaked out. I could feel a lot of hate and darkness right on top of me. This wasn't natural and it kinda didn't feel all human either. I told her not to touch me and that we were done talking. I bent down to help a child with his shoes and she was still going on. I guess she finally figured out I wasn't going to look at her or deal with her anymore so she left. Then another 10 seconds later she came back in and asked me my name (she didn't even know my name?!), but I told her I wasn't going to talk to her anymore. She left again in a big angry hurry and then once I knew she wasn't going to come back, the heat just exploded in my face and I was blood red. I was so angry I could feel tears filing my eyes and I had to grab some tissues to dry them before I really came undone. Ora was just looking at me and said she didn't know how I was able to stay so calm while all that was going on. I told her it was easy because I could feel the Holy Spirit with me, but that the old me probably would have hit her right in her face and said the most vile and nasty things I could think of. That's how I dealt with conflict in my past. I would have jumped on her and punched her face, especially once she pushed up against me and physically touched me. Oh yeah, I would have been all over her in my past. I really could have seen her going to the kitchen and grabbing a knife to cut me or something she was so flipped out in anger.
I thought this is over a COFFEE CUP! Who flips out like this over a coffee cup? I was so angry and I was trying hard to fight against just leaving right then and never coming back. Ora begged me not to quit and said I was the only bright light in that place. I was so angry I just couldn't hear her though. This lady was either stone cold crazy or possessed by some nasty spirit, because it wasn't a natural response to freak out like that over a cup with someone you've never even met.
I went to the director and told her I wanted to file a formal complaint with the company and that this wasn't acceptable. At first the director just said, "She's "different" and I try to "warn" new people to stay away from her so this kind of thing doesn't happen." Then she apologized for not warning me and I told her that was not acceptable and that people shouldn't be allowed to act that way in a place of business, ESPECIALLY in front of children. I asked her, "What if a parent had seen that?" I told her you can't demand respect from people when you treat them so badly yourself. I then told her how angry Brandon would be if I told him what happened and that he would want me to quit. She asked me not to and then apologized for how she treated me and said she was going to talk to her. I felt better after I spoke to her and told her I wasn't going to quit, but that I wasn't going to put up with that kind of harassment ever again.
I left and as I was driving home I was thinking, "I don't even 'need' this job. I'm only here to serve Jesus!" and then it hit me; I AM serving Jesus and Satan doesn't like it. Now Ora is being a minister to women there and we're seeing the ripple effects of Jesus. Then I told myself I should have stopped her and asked her if I could pray for her right in the middle of her rant or said, "get behind me, Satan!" cause there was something not right going on in that room and it was directed right at me. I then understood that this wasn't just about the coffee cup. This was about the kingdom of God and how Jesus is showing up in this dark and depressing place. I was then actually kinda happy because it just somehow made me feel like I am on the right track. If I upset the enemy THAT much then I have to stay and keep doing the work the Lord has prepared for me.
Then I heard the Lord tell me to do one thing for tomorrow; go buy her a new coffee cup and leave it on the kitchen counter for her tomorrow. It's the last thing she would ever expect me to do because she was so hateful, but it's exactly what the Holy Spirit is telling me to do. Maybe he wants to speak to her heart someway in my offering. Would you all PLEASE pray for her and for God to soften her heart and anger? Would you please pray that she would see whatever God wants her to see in my jester of love and forgiveness? Please pray that God would loosen the chains of her heart. Pray for my protection. I don't know if she will flip out again when she sees my jester of love. I need your prayers for her - PLEASE!
God, thank you for helping me keep my cool. Thank you that you only let Satan come so far. Even if it was him yelling right to my face, I know you were right there in between us every second. I have no fear because you are always with me. I pray for supernatural protection for all the woman and children there against the darkness and against Satan's attacks. I pray for more of your Light to shine in that place. I pray for MORE healing and more hope, peace, and love for that entire space. Come and give that place more of YOU. Thank you for protecting us as we fight against the powers of darkness. You alone are God and we are safe in your arms forever. Use me more for your glory. In Jesus name I pray, amen.
All my love to you, Father~
kw
I did my first half of my shift and then headed over to Ora's class at 8:30. When I was walking over there, I told one of the girls I was tired because I didn't get my cup of Joe and she told me they had coffee in the kitchen so I decided to grab some. I went in and didn't see cups anywhere. I had never been in there, so I looked in all the cabinets until I found a cup to use.
I went into Ora's class and saw a Bible. I asked Ora what that was for and she told me that yesterday she saw the assistant director and she was crying. She said her husband just left her and Ora really ministered to her and was telling her about Jesus. Then she said she told the girl about what happened with herself and me a few weeks back (click here, "Ora" and full details!) and that she could/should talk to me, too.
My heart just leaped in my chest. I've been praying for Ora, bringing her gas cards (thanks to some of YOU!), I even wrote her name down on a card over Advance weekend. She's been going to church faithfully and even went to a prayer meeting Monday night with some people from her church. Now to see her reaching out to minister to another co-worker just filled me with so much joy. I told her, "Do you realize that you are telling her the exact same things I was telling you just about 5 weeks ago?". She smiled and said yes. Then I told her how we needed to be praying for her and that God would then have her turn around and minister to others as well. It was beautiful. Then the woman (Assistant Director) came into the room to get the Bible Ora told her she was going to bring. I told her the Bible and God's love really helped me during some dark seasons of my own life. She opened up to me and I just tried to encourage her and remind her that God is big enough even in our deepest pains and fears.
Soon after that she left and another woman from next door came in to ask us something and saw the coffee cup in my hand. She asked me, "Where did you get that cup?" and I told her the break room. She said, "You better not let the cook see you with that. If she sees you have that, she is gonna flip out on you!" I laughed and said, "What? That's silly!" The cook has been there for like 18 years and everyone is totally scared of her. No one says nice things about this lady and everyone stays away from her. I never thought much about it. She delivers snack to the classroom at 9:00 am everyday and I knew she was close to coming, so I decided I would dump my coffee, clean her cup, and give it to her when she came to drop off the snack.
So she came in and I went and grabbed the cup and handed it to her. She looked at me and said, "Where did you get this?" and I told her the break room. Her eyes got huge and she started really getting upset and telling me I had no right to take her stuff and that I had no business going on the kitchen (those are HER "rules" not the daycares, by the way!). I told her, "I wasn't trying to steal your coffee mug. I didn't know it was yours. I just borrowed it because I forgot my coffee today and I am now returning it." She just got more and more angry. I didn't understand how or why she was so angry. She said, "I'm going to go talk to the director right NOW!" and I said, "Ok, go ahead" (I was getting angry now myself and thought she was being totally over board). The she said, "You come with me!" and I said, "Fine, let's go" and went to walk out, but one of the teachers reminded me that we had too many kids to leave Ora in there without me. So I looked at the cook and said, "Sorry, I can't leave Ora here alone with all these kids" (state law). She shut the door and stormed off.
Then 30 seconds later she comes back in and has this crazy look in her eyes. She starts telling me I'm going to understand what I've done, etc. and I just calmly told her, "It's not the time or the place to have this discussion. This isn't professional and there are children here" and I walked away from her. That then set her off even more. I walked into the little kitchen area where we wash the kid's cups and stuff and she followed me in there, yelling at me walking right beside me. I turned to the right and she was there, I turned to the left and she was there. She was hovering over me everywhere I turned. I left that area and then went back into the room with the kids. It didn't matter where I went, she was on top of me basically. I started picking up toys and she was still yelling at me. I hear the Lord repeating the word "grace" in my heart over and over. That somehow kept me calm enough to keep myself in check. I continued to tell her this wasn't appropriate and she needed to think about the children. Then she got right in my face and pushed her body against mine and told me to look at her and was pointing to her badge. I was so angry, but I wouldn't give in. I could feel her face so close to mine; it was just inches away. All this hate just being thrown at me. I'm not gonna lie, I was pretty freaked out. I could feel a lot of hate and darkness right on top of me. This wasn't natural and it kinda didn't feel all human either. I told her not to touch me and that we were done talking. I bent down to help a child with his shoes and she was still going on. I guess she finally figured out I wasn't going to look at her or deal with her anymore so she left. Then another 10 seconds later she came back in and asked me my name (she didn't even know my name?!), but I told her I wasn't going to talk to her anymore. She left again in a big angry hurry and then once I knew she wasn't going to come back, the heat just exploded in my face and I was blood red. I was so angry I could feel tears filing my eyes and I had to grab some tissues to dry them before I really came undone. Ora was just looking at me and said she didn't know how I was able to stay so calm while all that was going on. I told her it was easy because I could feel the Holy Spirit with me, but that the old me probably would have hit her right in her face and said the most vile and nasty things I could think of. That's how I dealt with conflict in my past. I would have jumped on her and punched her face, especially once she pushed up against me and physically touched me. Oh yeah, I would have been all over her in my past. I really could have seen her going to the kitchen and grabbing a knife to cut me or something she was so flipped out in anger.
I thought this is over a COFFEE CUP! Who flips out like this over a coffee cup? I was so angry and I was trying hard to fight against just leaving right then and never coming back. Ora begged me not to quit and said I was the only bright light in that place. I was so angry I just couldn't hear her though. This lady was either stone cold crazy or possessed by some nasty spirit, because it wasn't a natural response to freak out like that over a cup with someone you've never even met.
I went to the director and told her I wanted to file a formal complaint with the company and that this wasn't acceptable. At first the director just said, "She's "different" and I try to "warn" new people to stay away from her so this kind of thing doesn't happen." Then she apologized for not warning me and I told her that was not acceptable and that people shouldn't be allowed to act that way in a place of business, ESPECIALLY in front of children. I asked her, "What if a parent had seen that?" I told her you can't demand respect from people when you treat them so badly yourself. I then told her how angry Brandon would be if I told him what happened and that he would want me to quit. She asked me not to and then apologized for how she treated me and said she was going to talk to her. I felt better after I spoke to her and told her I wasn't going to quit, but that I wasn't going to put up with that kind of harassment ever again.
I left and as I was driving home I was thinking, "I don't even 'need' this job. I'm only here to serve Jesus!" and then it hit me; I AM serving Jesus and Satan doesn't like it. Now Ora is being a minister to women there and we're seeing the ripple effects of Jesus. Then I told myself I should have stopped her and asked her if I could pray for her right in the middle of her rant or said, "get behind me, Satan!" cause there was something not right going on in that room and it was directed right at me. I then understood that this wasn't just about the coffee cup. This was about the kingdom of God and how Jesus is showing up in this dark and depressing place. I was then actually kinda happy because it just somehow made me feel like I am on the right track. If I upset the enemy THAT much then I have to stay and keep doing the work the Lord has prepared for me.
Then I heard the Lord tell me to do one thing for tomorrow; go buy her a new coffee cup and leave it on the kitchen counter for her tomorrow. It's the last thing she would ever expect me to do because she was so hateful, but it's exactly what the Holy Spirit is telling me to do. Maybe he wants to speak to her heart someway in my offering. Would you all PLEASE pray for her and for God to soften her heart and anger? Would you please pray that she would see whatever God wants her to see in my jester of love and forgiveness? Please pray that God would loosen the chains of her heart. Pray for my protection. I don't know if she will flip out again when she sees my jester of love. I need your prayers for her - PLEASE!
God, thank you for helping me keep my cool. Thank you that you only let Satan come so far. Even if it was him yelling right to my face, I know you were right there in between us every second. I have no fear because you are always with me. I pray for supernatural protection for all the woman and children there against the darkness and against Satan's attacks. I pray for more of your Light to shine in that place. I pray for MORE healing and more hope, peace, and love for that entire space. Come and give that place more of YOU. Thank you for protecting us as we fight against the powers of darkness. You alone are God and we are safe in your arms forever. Use me more for your glory. In Jesus name I pray, amen.
All my love to you, Father~
kw
Monday, September 28, 2009
Dark Memory Lane
I have decided to write a memoir with my friend, Michelle, about the power of Christ in my life. I'm specifically writing it for my children because I want them to truly know what Jesus has done for me. I want them to know everything about my life and why we should never give up on God's love for us. I don't know what challenges will come their way in this life, or if I would even have the courage to tell them all the stories I have inside my heart, but I know I want them to have this.
I also hope to be able to share with others who are longing for more from this life. Who think they are unlovable and unwanted. Who think redemption, healing, and restoration are words that just don't apply to them. I want to speak right into their hearts and tell them all about the One who came to give us all life - a life full of adventure, wonder, passion, and unfailing love.
Anyway, Michelle drove up from the DFW area and we spent two days going over my story. I had my spiritual family praying for me and I felt safe to go back to the darkest corners of my heart and soul. I knew I was only visiting and that Jesus was holding my hand every step of the way.
In my past, I went into all the darkest places I'd ever known. I felt spiritually and emotionally drained afterward. As I was reflecting on the day, I was overwhelmed with sadness. I pressed into why I was feeling so sad. Was it because of all the darkness? I was sure some of it was that, but that didn't feel like the biggest reason in my heart. I continued to drill down and just sat with this question for a bit. Then I somehow just felt the answer in my heart. Looking back on my life before I completely gave my heart to Jesus, I could remember what NOT having him in my life felt like. Somewhere in that realization I was flooded with the emotion of missing him horribly. I know that doesn't make sense, but I just started crying. I believe he was always there, even before I knew him, but I missed not having memories or just feeling him with me. Like looking at a picture and knowing someone very important to you should be in that picture and they aren't there. It felt unnatural to me.
I was so sad. I was missing him and mourning any second of my life that he wasn't there. I had never felt this before. I don't look back on pictures of my life before Brandon or the kids and feel such pain, but in this moment I was heartbroken. I just hated having memories that didn't involve Jesus somewhere. I knew that I would never be without him again, and that no matter what, I'd never make another memory where he wasn't in my life. That took the sting out a little. I was more sad that he wasn't there than anything I had endured. It was an odd sensation, missing someone so badly before you'd even met them. Maybe I was sharing the pain he felt at having to watch me endure my past alone. Heartbreak after heartbreak, he was there just waiting for me. We often think of only our pain before we gave our lives to Christ, but what about his? Maybe he missed making memoires with me, too? Still very thankful we can make them now, but like me, sad I had to make so many without him. I'm so very thankful he made a way for me to find him.
I don't ever want to be without you Jesus again - and I'm so grateful I won't ever be. I may not hear your voice everyday, but I feel you and know you are always with me. That's all I ever need; just to know you're here with me. At times, close enough to touch. I miss all the memories we could have made in the past, but I guess I wasn't ready then. It makes me really appreciate the life and memories I have with you now. You are exactly what I was looking for, and will always be looking for, my entire life. Going back and seeing what I was looking for and now to have you here; I don't even have words.
All the love I have is for you first~
kw
I also hope to be able to share with others who are longing for more from this life. Who think they are unlovable and unwanted. Who think redemption, healing, and restoration are words that just don't apply to them. I want to speak right into their hearts and tell them all about the One who came to give us all life - a life full of adventure, wonder, passion, and unfailing love.
Anyway, Michelle drove up from the DFW area and we spent two days going over my story. I had my spiritual family praying for me and I felt safe to go back to the darkest corners of my heart and soul. I knew I was only visiting and that Jesus was holding my hand every step of the way.
In my past, I went into all the darkest places I'd ever known. I felt spiritually and emotionally drained afterward. As I was reflecting on the day, I was overwhelmed with sadness. I pressed into why I was feeling so sad. Was it because of all the darkness? I was sure some of it was that, but that didn't feel like the biggest reason in my heart. I continued to drill down and just sat with this question for a bit. Then I somehow just felt the answer in my heart. Looking back on my life before I completely gave my heart to Jesus, I could remember what NOT having him in my life felt like. Somewhere in that realization I was flooded with the emotion of missing him horribly. I know that doesn't make sense, but I just started crying. I believe he was always there, even before I knew him, but I missed not having memories or just feeling him with me. Like looking at a picture and knowing someone very important to you should be in that picture and they aren't there. It felt unnatural to me.
I was so sad. I was missing him and mourning any second of my life that he wasn't there. I had never felt this before. I don't look back on pictures of my life before Brandon or the kids and feel such pain, but in this moment I was heartbroken. I just hated having memories that didn't involve Jesus somewhere. I knew that I would never be without him again, and that no matter what, I'd never make another memory where he wasn't in my life. That took the sting out a little. I was more sad that he wasn't there than anything I had endured. It was an odd sensation, missing someone so badly before you'd even met them. Maybe I was sharing the pain he felt at having to watch me endure my past alone. Heartbreak after heartbreak, he was there just waiting for me. We often think of only our pain before we gave our lives to Christ, but what about his? Maybe he missed making memoires with me, too? Still very thankful we can make them now, but like me, sad I had to make so many without him. I'm so very thankful he made a way for me to find him.
I don't ever want to be without you Jesus again - and I'm so grateful I won't ever be. I may not hear your voice everyday, but I feel you and know you are always with me. That's all I ever need; just to know you're here with me. At times, close enough to touch. I miss all the memories we could have made in the past, but I guess I wasn't ready then. It makes me really appreciate the life and memories I have with you now. You are exactly what I was looking for, and will always be looking for, my entire life. Going back and seeing what I was looking for and now to have you here; I don't even have words.
All the love I have is for you first~
kw
Friday, September 18, 2009
Prayer Drive Thru (Luke 10:2)
He told them, "The harvest is plentiful, but the workers are few. Ask the Lord of the harvest, therefore, to send out workers into his harvest field. Luke 10:2 (New International Version)
Neil Cole came to Austin last weekend and his heart inspired my own. He spoke of Luke 10:2 and how he prays every day at that very hour for God to rise up more workers. That really inspired me!
Then my friend Brooke posted this link on facebook about this guy who set up this "prayer drive thru" and how people were responding to it. I thought, "I HAVE to do that!" I shot Brooke a message and she said she would do it with me.
I sent out a message on facebook telling everyone that we were going to have our own prayer drive thru on Sept. 17th at 10:02 am in honor of Luke 10:2. I knew that it being in the middle of work week/day there wouldn't be many people who could join us, but I really felt like this was something I had to do. I was so excited about it. Those who said they couldn't be there physically, were there spiritually and I LOVED that!
I woke up Thursday just excited and ready to see what God had planned. I knew that there were people on God's heart that he wanted us to love on. I prayed for them and just thanked God for using us to show his love to his children.
I have a passion to see real church unity here in Austin for God's glory. I believe this is one of the biggest keys to true revival, and so I pray for it with all my heart. I invited people who went to churches all over Austin to join us. I found some frineds from my church as well as one friend from another church to come along and I was overjoyed! We met up at 183/Lakeline in the parking lot of the old Michael's and where Gold's Gym is. We had our signs, we said a prayer seeking God's presence with us, and we were ready to go. I was pumped up!
We stood there for awhile and all took turns holding our signs. There were cars pulling in to go to the gym or whatever stores are around there. Then I saw a car pull in and head towards the music place. Then about 15 minutes later I see her coming back down the road and this time when she pulls in she drive over to where we are. My heart leaped in my chest!
I walked over to her and saw her shaking her head in her car. She opened her door and I just smiled a big smile and told her I had been waiting for her. She stood up and just reached out for me and I held her tightly. She broke down and just started weeping. All I could do was hold her tight and tell her how much our Father loved her. I then just started thanking God for her over and over again. We hugged for a few minutes and when she quit crying I pulled myself away and asked her her name. She said, "It's Karis (sounds like Paris) and I was just here. I went into the music store to get an instrument and they told me my credit was too bad. I don't have a lot of money and know I need to be praying more, but I don't." I looked her square in the eyes and I said, "You are the reason I am here today. I knew that God had someone specifically in mind when he sent me here and it's YOU. He's wildly in love with you and he wants to give you hope and bright future!". She just started crying again. Then I prayed for her and for God to bless her. She prayed with me and I could feel the Holy Spirit just wash over her. She said she was so sad after they turned her down she just got in her car and left upset, but that she saw us and the Lord told her to turn around so we could pray for her. I told her how thankful I was that she knew his voice and that she listened to him. I thanked God for faith and just loved on her while she was with me. Then she said she felt better and I said goodbye.
Then a black truck pulled up with three men in it and Barclay and Glenn went to go pray with them. It was awesome!!! I loved just seeing our family loving on anyone God put in our path. It turns out they are fellow brothers-in-Christ and they wanted to encourage us and pray for us. I think they all ended up praying for each other. We prayed for them and they prayed for us, too. It was really cool.
After that I was just totally on fire. We saw a car that had blown a tire and pulling into the parking lot. Brooke and Robert went to go see if they needed help changing the tire. The guy didn't want any help, but just the face that they offered made my heart smile.
Soon, another truck pulled in and Barclay went to go talk to the guy who got out. Then Barclay called my name and waved me over across the parking lot. Barclay met me half way and told me it was the owner of the shopping center and that he told Barclay we couldn't be there and we had to move it. I then walked up to the guy, not really thinking anything in my head, and asked him his name. It was Jon and we shook hands. I said to him, "We need to go, huh?" and he said yes. He said he was only there because someone had caused some damage to one of his buildings. He looked frustrated by the damage that had happened to the old Michael's spot.
Then, totally without even thinking this next part I said, "Ok, that's cool, but is there anything I can pray for you about before we leave?" You should have seen the look on his face. He was completely shocked. He stumbled around with his words a little and then said, "Um, I guess you can pray for my building." I smiled and said, "Sure, I can do that". Then he turned to get back into his truck and leave and I said, "Wait, I mean I can pray NOW for you." I totally wish you could have seen the look on his face. He didn't know what to think. He looked at me and said, "I'm sorry, you've just totally taken me by surprise". I said, "No problem, I'd just like to pray for you" and he said "Um, ok". I felt the Holy Spirit whisper to me to keep it simple and pray for exactly what's on his heart right now. So that's what I did. I thanked God giving him this land and for providing a way for Jon to make money and provide for himself and his family. I then asked the Lord to protect his land and help keep the cost of the repairs to a minimum. Then I prayed it in Jesus name and said amen. I looked at him afterward and said, "Ok, we'll get out of your hair now" looking at Jon and I could tell he looked so much softer now. He said, "It's ok, you don't have to leave, ya'll can stay." HOLY CROW!!! I didn't want to freak out in front of him, but I was BURSTING inside. I politely said thank you and that I really apprecaited it. I was so shocked. I just watched a man tell us to leave and then saw the Holy Spirit completely turn his heart right in front of my eyes. It was AWESOME! I wanted to pee my pants I was so excited. You never know, we might have planted a HUGE seed for this guy. Maybe God wants to use that old Michael's for a shelter or a church? Maybe this guy had never seen the love of God before and us praying over him touched something deep within his heart. I know something happened, I saw it!
As we were walking back to the rest of the group, I whispered to Barclay, "DID YOU SEE WHAT JUST HAPPENED?" and he said yes. I had never seen God turn someones heart that fast right in front of my eyes. It was the coolest thing I ever saw. Jon was irritated and frustrated and here was this "religious group" standing on the corner wanted to pray for people. I am sure he thought we were nuts, but he had a real encounter with God and his heart was softened. I'm still pumped about it.
We stayed there for about another 45 minutes then we prayed and headed home. We had lots of cars honk and give us a thumbs up and wave. It was such a good feeling to be out of the church buildings, really trusting God. I wasn't scared at all. I really believe if you give God a space to move in, he will. I saw him move and it was so awesome. I felt right at home like I could have stayed there forever. It wasn't scary or out of my comfort zone. If anything, I felt free and alive there looking and waiting for people I could love on for our Father.
I can only pray that I will get to do more of this. I felt like I was on a mission trip. Totally out of the norm, but holy and wondrous. Please keep Karis and Jon in your prayers and our brothers from Dallas, too. =)
Father, I love you. I am so thankful we can be bold in our love for you and for others. Let us keep our eyes on that always. I want your amazing love to reach every single heart in this city and beyond. Help us do more of this. Help us take your love outside of the the church. This is what you have made me for. Give me more opportunities to do this in Austin, and yes Lord, please bring more workers to help us.
All my love to you~
kw
Neil Cole came to Austin last weekend and his heart inspired my own. He spoke of Luke 10:2 and how he prays every day at that very hour for God to rise up more workers. That really inspired me!
Then my friend Brooke posted this link on facebook about this guy who set up this "prayer drive thru" and how people were responding to it. I thought, "I HAVE to do that!" I shot Brooke a message and she said she would do it with me.
I sent out a message on facebook telling everyone that we were going to have our own prayer drive thru on Sept. 17th at 10:02 am in honor of Luke 10:2. I knew that it being in the middle of work week/day there wouldn't be many people who could join us, but I really felt like this was something I had to do. I was so excited about it. Those who said they couldn't be there physically, were there spiritually and I LOVED that!
I woke up Thursday just excited and ready to see what God had planned. I knew that there were people on God's heart that he wanted us to love on. I prayed for them and just thanked God for using us to show his love to his children.
I have a passion to see real church unity here in Austin for God's glory. I believe this is one of the biggest keys to true revival, and so I pray for it with all my heart. I invited people who went to churches all over Austin to join us. I found some frineds from my church as well as one friend from another church to come along and I was overjoyed! We met up at 183/Lakeline in the parking lot of the old Michael's and where Gold's Gym is. We had our signs, we said a prayer seeking God's presence with us, and we were ready to go. I was pumped up!
We stood there for awhile and all took turns holding our signs. There were cars pulling in to go to the gym or whatever stores are around there. Then I saw a car pull in and head towards the music place. Then about 15 minutes later I see her coming back down the road and this time when she pulls in she drive over to where we are. My heart leaped in my chest!
I walked over to her and saw her shaking her head in her car. She opened her door and I just smiled a big smile and told her I had been waiting for her. She stood up and just reached out for me and I held her tightly. She broke down and just started weeping. All I could do was hold her tight and tell her how much our Father loved her. I then just started thanking God for her over and over again. We hugged for a few minutes and when she quit crying I pulled myself away and asked her her name. She said, "It's Karis (sounds like Paris) and I was just here. I went into the music store to get an instrument and they told me my credit was too bad. I don't have a lot of money and know I need to be praying more, but I don't." I looked her square in the eyes and I said, "You are the reason I am here today. I knew that God had someone specifically in mind when he sent me here and it's YOU. He's wildly in love with you and he wants to give you hope and bright future!". She just started crying again. Then I prayed for her and for God to bless her. She prayed with me and I could feel the Holy Spirit just wash over her. She said she was so sad after they turned her down she just got in her car and left upset, but that she saw us and the Lord told her to turn around so we could pray for her. I told her how thankful I was that she knew his voice and that she listened to him. I thanked God for faith and just loved on her while she was with me. Then she said she felt better and I said goodbye.
Then a black truck pulled up with three men in it and Barclay and Glenn went to go pray with them. It was awesome!!! I loved just seeing our family loving on anyone God put in our path. It turns out they are fellow brothers-in-Christ and they wanted to encourage us and pray for us. I think they all ended up praying for each other. We prayed for them and they prayed for us, too. It was really cool.
After that I was just totally on fire. We saw a car that had blown a tire and pulling into the parking lot. Brooke and Robert went to go see if they needed help changing the tire. The guy didn't want any help, but just the face that they offered made my heart smile.
Soon, another truck pulled in and Barclay went to go talk to the guy who got out. Then Barclay called my name and waved me over across the parking lot. Barclay met me half way and told me it was the owner of the shopping center and that he told Barclay we couldn't be there and we had to move it. I then walked up to the guy, not really thinking anything in my head, and asked him his name. It was Jon and we shook hands. I said to him, "We need to go, huh?" and he said yes. He said he was only there because someone had caused some damage to one of his buildings. He looked frustrated by the damage that had happened to the old Michael's spot.
Then, totally without even thinking this next part I said, "Ok, that's cool, but is there anything I can pray for you about before we leave?" You should have seen the look on his face. He was completely shocked. He stumbled around with his words a little and then said, "Um, I guess you can pray for my building." I smiled and said, "Sure, I can do that". Then he turned to get back into his truck and leave and I said, "Wait, I mean I can pray NOW for you." I totally wish you could have seen the look on his face. He didn't know what to think. He looked at me and said, "I'm sorry, you've just totally taken me by surprise". I said, "No problem, I'd just like to pray for you" and he said "Um, ok". I felt the Holy Spirit whisper to me to keep it simple and pray for exactly what's on his heart right now. So that's what I did. I thanked God giving him this land and for providing a way for Jon to make money and provide for himself and his family. I then asked the Lord to protect his land and help keep the cost of the repairs to a minimum. Then I prayed it in Jesus name and said amen. I looked at him afterward and said, "Ok, we'll get out of your hair now" looking at Jon and I could tell he looked so much softer now. He said, "It's ok, you don't have to leave, ya'll can stay." HOLY CROW!!! I didn't want to freak out in front of him, but I was BURSTING inside. I politely said thank you and that I really apprecaited it. I was so shocked. I just watched a man tell us to leave and then saw the Holy Spirit completely turn his heart right in front of my eyes. It was AWESOME! I wanted to pee my pants I was so excited. You never know, we might have planted a HUGE seed for this guy. Maybe God wants to use that old Michael's for a shelter or a church? Maybe this guy had never seen the love of God before and us praying over him touched something deep within his heart. I know something happened, I saw it!
As we were walking back to the rest of the group, I whispered to Barclay, "DID YOU SEE WHAT JUST HAPPENED?" and he said yes. I had never seen God turn someones heart that fast right in front of my eyes. It was the coolest thing I ever saw. Jon was irritated and frustrated and here was this "religious group" standing on the corner wanted to pray for people. I am sure he thought we were nuts, but he had a real encounter with God and his heart was softened. I'm still pumped about it.
We stayed there for about another 45 minutes then we prayed and headed home. We had lots of cars honk and give us a thumbs up and wave. It was such a good feeling to be out of the church buildings, really trusting God. I wasn't scared at all. I really believe if you give God a space to move in, he will. I saw him move and it was so awesome. I felt right at home like I could have stayed there forever. It wasn't scary or out of my comfort zone. If anything, I felt free and alive there looking and waiting for people I could love on for our Father.
I can only pray that I will get to do more of this. I felt like I was on a mission trip. Totally out of the norm, but holy and wondrous. Please keep Karis and Jon in your prayers and our brothers from Dallas, too. =)
Father, I love you. I am so thankful we can be bold in our love for you and for others. Let us keep our eyes on that always. I want your amazing love to reach every single heart in this city and beyond. Help us do more of this. Help us take your love outside of the the church. This is what you have made me for. Give me more opportunities to do this in Austin, and yes Lord, please bring more workers to help us.
All my love to you~
kw
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